So here we are at the fourth and final post in my special blog series. You may be surprised at today’s S: structure. It isn’t as ‘touchy feely’ as stress, support and strength, and you know that I’m all about the emotional side of infertility, so where does such a practical subject fit in?

Let me explain.

Yes I truly believe that dealing with stress and negative emotions, building a great support network, and uncovering your inner strength are all essential to overcoming infertility. Without these elements you may find your journey to parenthood is a real struggle, and you may even feel like giving up on it. That’s the last thing I want for you, so I encourage you to take the need for stress management, support and inner strength seriously. However they are only part of the picture – the preparation, you could say, for the journey ahead.

Once you feel strong, you can ask yourself how you are going to overcome infertility and create your family. We’re talking about formulating and then following a plan – the STRUCTURE of your fertility journey.

Think of it like building a house. You wouldn’t go into a project like that without first drawing up your plans, having them checked by a structural engineer, and then setting to work by building good solid foundations. Along the way as you build you may need to make adjustments to the plan if you find something that doesn’t work, or you decide to change the layout. You’ll do this alongside the architect and the structural engineer, and all the while you’ll keep building upwards keeping the end goal of your house in mind.

So you can start by drawing up your own plan with your partner. Note what you already know about your fertility, what you may still need to investigate, and the possible treatments or therapies you would consider. Just as when you build a house you can do this while consulting with experts such as fertility doctors, to check your plans are realistic and include everything you need to consider.

Then as with any project, as you put your plan into action, accept that there may be some changes to it along the way. In fact, expect them! Have back up plans and contingencies in place ready to deal with every outcome. This is where you might want to consider what options would be acceptable to you – would you look at IVF, donor eggs or sperm, surrogacy, adoption? Having thought through all the options could make your fertility journey run much more smoothly.
Of course trying to bring some structure and planning into your fertility can feel like a daunting task, and you may be much happier taking it day by day and not thinking about the ‘what ifs’. If you feel very resistant to talking about options, seeing doctors, and making a plan this could be a sign that you need to feel emotionally stronger before you can do this. In which case, looking after the first 3 S’s would be key for you to do first.

I know that without some structure in my fertility journey I’d be very unlikely to be a mum to my little boy. A clear plan of research, doctors’ appointments, therapies and treatments helped me to uncover the real reasons I wasn’t conceiving and find the right solutions for us. If I had stuck with the first doctor who said he couldn’t help me, and only read the first book on fertility, I would be no further on. Yes it does take strength to keep going, but the end results can be so worth it.

People often ask me what they can expect when they work with me. Yes, they know they’ll receive my support and I’ll help them reduce the negative effect of stress on their mind and body (there are those first 2 S’s again – STRESS and SUPPORT!) but what is the real positive result? How will I help them deal with and overcome their fertility issues?

My answer is that by utilising support and reducing the stress and other emotions wrapped up in fertility issues, you will uncover the greatest resource you have – your own remarkable inner strength!

I believe that every one of us has an innate strength and resilience that is an essential part of our human spirit. Yes sometimes it may seem to be buried very deeply and covered by a thick layer of fear and anxieties that stop you connecting with it. After all, if you were to utilise your inner strength to its fullest potential that would sometimes mean taking big, bold action and that can feel scary.

If you’ve been battered and bruised emotionally by your infertility experience or perhaps you’ve experienced loss, it can feel ‘safer’ to keep this strength well hidden. With the right support and techniques – and EFT is a perfect choice – you could choose to resolve the negative thoughts, feelings and experiences that are stopping you from being connected to your powerful inner strength.

Imagine how different your fertility journey could be with strength on your side.

Inner strength can mean that:

*You feel even the toughest challenges can be overcome.
*Instead of barriers and obstacles, you recognise solutions and options to help you conceive.
*You feel able to keep trying for your baby for longer, which may give you more chance of success.
*You feel in control when talking to your doctor and can ask the right questions.
*You have inner resources to draw on instead of always relying on others’ strength to keep you going.
*You’re more likely to emerge from this experience as a whole and undamaged person, ready to be a wonderful parent.

When I work with people I love to see them discover their own inner strength and reconnect with its power. I believe this is one of the most important S’s in this blog series. However it is only part of the story and next week I’ll be revealing the 4th and final ‘S for Pregnancy Success!’ The final piece of the puzzle to put you in a strong position for your own pregnancy success in 2012… I can’t wait to share it with you!

The value of good support while you’re trying to conceive through infertility shouldn’t be underestimated. People often tell me it’s the one thing they’re lacking. They wish they had someone close to them who really understands what they’re going through. However truly good and effective support can be hard to find. Even if you’re surrounded by caring and well-meaning friends and family, and a partner who’s going through this with you, you may still feel very alone.

Why is this?

Let’s consider what makes a ‘good supporter’ for you while you face fertility issues.

*Empathy and understanding

An understanding of the fertility issues, tests, treatments and emotions you’re experiencing is vital in those you’re looking to seek support from. People who found it easy to conceive their children or haven’t yet started on this journey, have no experience to draw on to empathise with your situation. If you do seek support here, be prepared for well-meaning but potentially hurtful comments such as “if you just relax you’ll get pregnant”. It can be useful to find other people who understand fertility issues at support groups, online fertility communities (such as the weekly #FertilitySupport Twitter chat), or seek a therapist like myself who specialises in fertility.

*Unbiased and non-judgemental

When you’re making decisions on your fertility journey you may only want to share this information with people who can be truly unbiased and won’t judge your decisions. There are emotive issues surrounding fertility treatment and your personal decisions, and seeking support from people who have strong opinions could be difficult for you. So choose wisely who you decide to share delicate information with.

*Able to give practical support and advice

There may be times when you need more than just a shoulder to cry on, and support that helps you make decisions, carry out research or take any other action on your fertility journey is invaluable. You may find this support through your doctor or clinic, or anyone else who has a good understanding of the issues and is practical and level-headed. Don’t rely on your most emotional friends to give you this support, as you may feel more confused than ever!

*Not too emotionally involved

Having an understanding and empathy for your situation is one thing, but if you find someone is too emotionally involved in your situation, they may become more of a burden than a help. This could be the case with your partner, your close friends and relatives. They care for you so much that they literally feel the pain you are going through, and of course your partner is going through the same challenges. When you’re not feeling emotionally strong it can be too much to deal with other people’s emotions too. So try not to lean on them unless you’re feeling strong enough to give them support too.

*Available and approachable

Even the best support won’t be meeting your needs if it’s not available when you need it. In our busy lives you may find that friends and family are sometimes unavailable at a time when you need them most. Or if they have their own issues they are dealing with, they may be unable to give you the undivided attention you need at times. This is when creating a wider support network, outside of your usual circle, can be useful.

So how can you find this ideal support?

You may have already identified some people who can give you the kind of support outlined above. Great! Be aware however that very rarely will you find a friend, family member, or partner who can provide you with all of these levels of support.

So choose well who you go to for what kind of support. Your partner may be great with the practical support, while a friend is always on the end of a phone with a non-judgmental listening ear. And when you’re looking for advice and support about an aspect of your fertility treatment, you may seek this from your clinic or fertility support group. And for the ultimate in unbiased, empathetic and available support you could choose to sign up for professional fertility support from someone like myself.

Bring all these strands together for truly useful, strong and nurturing support. It’s what you need, and deserve, as you navigate your fertility journey.

OK, so you may think that stress isn’t really a key to pregnancy success. You’re right – stress in its many forms can often be harmful to our overall health and wellbeing, including of course your reproductive health and your fertility. So what we’re talking about here is stress management or stress reduction – or better still, stress elimination!!

Let’s look at why dealing with stress is an important key to pregnancy success, and shouldn’t be ignored.

Research shows that stress can have a harmful effect on fertility, and that using mind-body relaxation techniques can improve the chances of conception. And the science behind this is that stress hormones such as cortisol inhibit the body’s main sex hormone (GnRH) which subsequently suppresses sperm count, ovulation and sexual activity. Plus stress also increases levels of a reproductive hormone called GnIH. This hormone puts the brakes on reproduction by directly inhibiting GnRH as well.*

What that all means is that stress is bad news for your fertility. And while any damage caused by stress hormones goes on hidden within your body, there are much more tangible effects of stress that you may notice in day to day life.

For example, have you ever been so stressed, perhaps by issues at work, that getting your period has felt like the last straw and you’ve broken down in tears?

Or have you felt so disheartened and stressed by repeated negative pregnancy tests or failed treatments, that the thought of picking yourself up and trying again has felt almost impossible?

And who could blame you for feeling this way. Infertility is stressful, and it’s definitely not easy to keep going with a positive mindset and optimistic outlook.

However, what I’m suggesting – and this is why this is the first of my S’s for pregnancy success – is that it’s essential to find a way to manage stress, before it has a real negative impact on your fertility.

So ask yourself if you have a way of managing stress right now. And I don’t just mean reading a book to escape for an hour, or taking a long bath. You know these will only give short term relief, and not provide the deep level of relaxation and emotional healing that is required to quieten down the stress hormones.

EFT is a fantastic technique to use to turnaround negative thoughts and feelings to positive. It can help eliminate stress by reducing the emotions that are triggered in you such as anxiety, worry, and fear, and encourage your own natural positive, rational and healthy thoughts and feelings to come forward.

Let me leave you with one thought. It’s how The Stress Management Society defines the cause of stress:

“Stress is caused by two things. Primarily it is down to whether you think situations around you are worthy of anxiety. And then it’s down to how your body reacts to your thought processes.”

Do you know what is exciting about these facts about stress? The fact that it isn’t something that happens TO you; it’s a reaction that you have internally. And that means that YOU are in control of your reaction to stress. And that puts you in a great position of power.

*References for research: Domar, A., Clapp, D., Slawsby, E., Dusek, J., Kessel, B., Freizinger, M (2000) Impact of group psychological interventions on pregnancy rates in infertile women. Fertility and Sterility Vol. 73, no.4 April; Elizabeth Kirby, University of California, Berkeley.

I’m always aware at this time of year how it must feel for someone who isn’t yet a mother or father but would dearly love to be. The festive season is so focused around children and families that you may feel lonely and at times excluded. At what should be one of the happiest times of the year, those struggling with infertility are left feeling sad and frustrated.

Parties and family gatherings can be difficult to face, and you may find that it’s at these occasions that people choose to ask “so, when are you going to have a baby?”. Add to that the fact that more and more people seem to be “only buying presents for the children this year” or tell you “Christmas is all about children really” and you couldn’t be blamed for wanting to run away from the festivities.

However with the right support and techniques there is a way that you can reduce the sadness and stress that you’re feeling, and bring back some magic into the celebrations for you and your loved ones.

Last year I made this video using the stress-busting technique EFT to help with the stress that Christmas brings to those challenged with fertility issues. Many told me it helped them through the festive season and brought back some joy and happiness for them. I hope it helps you too!

And this year I’m offering something very special that I want to be available to every single person who is trying to conceive through fertility issues and would like some nurturing support during the festive season and into the New Year. With this support I’d not only love to help you rediscover peace and joy this Christmas, but also feel hopeful and positive that 2012 will be the year that you have your baby.

Click here to find out more and how this support can cost you as little as $1!
==>> http://www.fertilemindset.com/merry-little-christmas

I look forward to supporting you at this special time of year, and I wish you love, health and happiness for 2012.

Last weekend at the Fertility Show in London there were 100 exhibitors and 60 seminars sharing a wide range of fertility information and solutions. Wow! That sounds like what every woman and man who is struggling with infertility needs, right?

There’s no doubt that to resolve an issue like infertility, good quality support and help is needed. And how wonderful to have it all available in one (very big) room. Over 3,000 people saw the Fertility Show as a fabulous way to find out more information and myself and the other exhibitors were rushed off our feet, talking to people all day long.

However the truth of this experience was that during the show many visitors came to my stand in a state of overwhelm and often distress. And I’ve had emails since saying that although it was a really useful day, they found it “a bit too much to cope with”.

So, on the one hand we have a wonderful event with fertility clinics and experts just waiting to answer your questions and help you find a solution. But on the other, when you’re already feeling anxious about your fertility issues and somewhat vulnerable, this overwhelm could heighten your emotions further.

And it’s not just at events like the Fertility Show where this can happen.

How do you feel when you trawl the internet and read blogs and forums, looking for fertility information? Perhaps you have book shelves heavy under the weight of fertility books, or you’ve listened to the experts speak at the Fertility Focus Telesummit.

We truly live in the information age, and it’s a blessing that we have all this within our reach. But what do you do when all research, options and decisions to make become just too much to cope with?

You may be familiar with a state of overwhelm which can then lead to feeling stuck and being unable to make decisions and move forward towards positive action that could boost your fertility. How do you decide which clinic is right for you? Which treatment you should try? And which of the many emotional and more holistic support methods should you use?

EFT (Tapping) is an ideal technique to help calm down the feeling of overwhelm and help you make clear, considered decisions that are right for you. Once you have learnt EFT you can then use this simple technique as you look at all the fertility research you have collated. Use it as you think different options through and as you make decisions. If you’d like some help doing this, start with this video on Fertile Mindset TV: Overwhelmed by fertility choices?

If you take one thing away from this post today, it would be not to shy away from doing more research into your fertility issues because you’re feeling overwhelmed already. But to find an effective way to reduce that overwhelm so you can continue with effective research and be closer to your own solution to bring your baby to you.

My own birth experience was harrowing to say the least, and although I have no conscious memory of it, the vivid re-telling of the story to me at a young age meant that I carried it as an emotional burden throughout childhood and into adulthood. For me this manifested as a deep-seated phobia of pregnancy and childbirth that could only be resolved once I learnt EFT in my early twenties. From then on I could move forward positively on my fertility journey, and be open to overcoming infertility and conceiving my baby without fear and anxiety holding me back.

But what if you have no information about your birth? Perhaps it was never talked about in your family, it seemed uneventful, or you were adopted. Although not in your conscious memory, Jaqui suggested that if we have feelings today as an adult that we cannot give a name to, they may well have been imprinted at a pre-verbal time in our life; as early as infanthood or during our time in the womb.

So I invite you today to re-visit the story of your birth, acknowledge the aspects you’re aware of and their possible effect on how you feel about giving birth yourself, and also the unknown parts of your story, which could be deep in your unconscious.

Here is a short tapping script which you can use to start the discovery into your own birth’s impact on your emotional well-being as an adult today, and of course the effect this could be having on your fertility and attempts to have a baby. If you don’t yet know EFT join the Fertile Mindset Support Circle for free, and access resources to help you learn this valuable technique. http://www.fertilemindset.com/supportcircle At all times, only use EFT alone on issues where you feel safe. Contact me if you feel you would benefit from one-to-one support.

Karate chop:

“Even though I’m aware of some aspects of my birth, and it wasn’t perfect, I deeply and completely accept myself and the way I came into this world”

“Even though I may never know what my own birth experience was like, I acknowledge the impact it has had on me, and choose to leave behind any emotions that do not serve me”

“Even though I have fear and anxiety surrounding my birth story, and some feelings I cannot name, I choose to acknowledge this very first experience of life, and create in my mind the best possible birth I can imagine – both in the past and in the future.”

Top of head: “Thinking about what I do know about my birth”
Eyebrow: “And acknowledging the emotions it brings up”
Side of eye: “Connecting to any sadness and loss I may feel”
Under eye: “Any fear and anxiety that arises when I think of my birth”
Under nose: “Recognising the possibility of unspoken aspects”
Chin: “And their lifelong effect on my feelings about birth”
Collarbone: “And now as I plan to experience birth again”
Under arm: “And welcome a baby into the world”
Top of head: “I choose to release all emotions that do not serve me”
Eyebrow: “Leaving feelings of fear and anxiety in the past”
Side of eye: “And moving forward positively towards conceiving my baby”
Under eye: “I may never consciously know the true experience of my birth”
Under nose: “But I choose to acknowledge its part in making me who I am today”
Chin: “I choose to heal the parts of me that have been hurt by my birth”
Collarbone: “And choose to create a positive future experience”
Under arm: “For myself and my children.”

Do you know your birth story? And are you interested in its effect on your fertility journey? I’d love to hear from you. Please comment below or send me an email.